me, myself and i | day one

they say a mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep sound in them... but not tonight and not for the next 9 nights of my life. my boys, all three of them are gone for the week and i am still not sure i can handle the amount of time i will have to think. sit, stay and relax. it's funny because when one becomes a parent, though you love your children you long for quiet time, you dream of romantic nights with him without worrying that you'll have to wake up early with hungry for breakfast, cartoons and bike ride kids. i've had nights without my kids, usually not more than three without seeing them and in all these 4 and a half years only one night all by myself. it's not like i need it to be happier, i am a dedicated mom and wife and i love what i bring to this family, i know i don't really need free time, specially not this much... but then again. i have nine days left of my time and maybe just maybe i will enjoy it.
what really had me worried wasn't the fact of having a whole week of being alone, it was the saying goodbye, the taking them to the airport and keeping that smile on when your children are so excited they can't see anyone cry. i kept my cool saying goodbye, tried to be strong, but in the end with M and F hugged me tight just before passing the gate i let myself relax and i cried, and cried and cried and kept crying until three hours later i got a message saying they were ok, landed safely and we're finally home... milan is home to the four of us, his home forever and mine for the last 11 years and for the boys it's where the horizon is so far you can see all the way to lisbon. as soon as the msg arrived i felt a weight off of my shoulders as if afraid of letting go until i knew they were safely there... no one can understand this fear i have of flying, i don't understand it myself most of the time and i wish i did because it would probably help a lot if i just knew why... but this is more than that, it's the letting go that's hard, the not seeing, the not being part of what they do... i think that's why we mothers cry when they go to kindergarten and become people outside of our little world, letting your children on a plane with just dad is part of the process, probably even for dad, because maybe he also needs this, the responsibility the freedom of choosing and deciding everything... it gives us some control i sure deep down love it. i'm sure this will be good for him... for us.

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